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Charlie's avatar

I like the premise of the story and it seems to have some really good bones inside of it. The beginning, and this is my opinion, has too much dialogue. Short stories go really well with good description and narration. Halfway through when it switched to little dialogue and lots of description of what the protagonist was doing, I was able to see a bigger scene of what was going on.

Two other side things. You used "Suddenly - this happened" in three of eight paragraphs. Different descriptors would fit well. The other is "a loud, indescribable noise", while I get what you were going for, I think describing a noise people need to think about would be really cool.

I really like the story and would encourage you to fiddle with it because I really did enjoy it.

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